What Cooks?

Bizarre Love Triangle.

Not exactly sure why I have this song on constant rotation lately, although it is certainly just plain fun to listen to. I guess there are parts of the song that apply, but only if the third party in the triangle is a different city. Anyway, maybe Michelle will understand this reference. She's been so kind to understand everything else (and bear my incessant cogitations), and above all else she has been the grounding element I need when the head starts floating dangerously close to the moon. So thank you, HappyTriber. You can file this post under Spastic Fantastic. Moving onwards and songwards:

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows
Well every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should

Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself that if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

--by New Order. Long live the 80s.

It's you and me, babe.

I figured I would put the following out to the world. Let it know that I'm happy and that I know what I want. Here goes...

The person I want:

Is someone who is not afraid of indulging me based entirely on potential. Someone who sees beyond the skin, deep into my cells. Someone who can sense my imminent transformations from caterpillars to butterflies.

Though I tell you this: Whatever ideas of perfection you may have of me, believe me, mine are far loftier. I have expectations for my life which I will force into accomplishment. Not all at once, mind you, but I will evolve beyond your wildest imagination. I have no doubt in my mind that whatever is missing, is something I will construct. I have no qualms asserting that I will exceed way beyond your goals in partnership. I will provide for you what you didn't think I could. I will care for you throughout the best and worst of times. I will not rest my heart until it is satisfied and celebrant of how much safety and comfort I've spun around us. I will conduct my metamorphoses in any manner which directly benefits you and me together.

All this but, primarily, I will love you in absolute. Utterly and unconditionally. Enthusiastically and adamantly. Playfully and carefully. Faithfully. I will never take you for granted.

What will it take, I imagine, to convince you of my worth? A small leap of faith on your part, perhaps? Maybe. But more likely a soulmate of equal brilliance of vision and fortitude of character. A comrade in arms and beliefs. A being with stardust within, ready to burst out like fireworks in every direction, just the same as I have in me. A sensible practitioner of reason and magic. A kindred spirit with lights for eyes, hurricanes for heart, labyrinths for mind. A truly incomparable genius, with every desire to share a little foolish madness, and a lot of sexy, ebullient fun.

Someone who can thrive with "I love yous" but who would always wish to say: It's you and me, babe.

Yes. That's who I want.

World, now you know. Get on it.

Glow.

A year ago today I sent my parents an email while my dad was visiting my mother in Denmark. Today, again, my dad is in Denmark visiting with my mother, and I sent a follow-up email of sorts. I mentioned how we still haven't really talked about me, my life, and I stated from my end that it has been mostly because I've yet to find something stable which would merit discussion. To this, he responded that he had often thought of talking to me...but that he had also made it clear that his love for me is unconditional, and that there wasn't much to discuss in that respect. He added that his intention is still to welcome any partner of mine with open arms.

In this life of mine, I've had crucial moments wherein all I've needed was a little moral support during my efforts to cross bridges. This has never meant that the bridges aren't solely mine to cross, but it has meant that I want to cross them with the knowledge that, if I look back, there will be someone there smiling back at me.

I believe in my own strength, and I've developed a lot of it from growing up the way that I have. And I'm perfectly capable of running my risks, scaling my cliffs, escaping my bombs all on my own. This is something I've proven to myself convincingly, especially in latter years. But solitary confinement has only allowed me to reach one level of existence—I used to call myself an "Islander," for my isolationist perspectives—and now I find myself reaching out, more and more, in hopes that I pave the way to a more shared existence.

And I did this. I put myself entirely out there over a year and a half ago. And the result was something that burned me. I would cross the bridges, and rejoice, but I would look back to see that it had been burnt from the other side. All I can say is I've developed a very forensic attitude towards studying the charred remains of parts of my history. O, how I have learned from all of this. And how different my life will be with this knowledge.

So, now I find myself in the unique position of being entirely supported and loved by my dad, my anchor, and with the desire for sharing parts of my life evermore present. Wondrous, this is towards any necessity I have for letting go of troubles.

The run-up until today has been a weird one. From attending the wedding of someone I was once madly in love with, to meeting with someone else I was once madly in love with, to walking by just about every person I've ever dated in DC over a 24-hour period (including the one who I wrote my latest song for), I've seemingly experienced a flashback of the last 3 years in my life. And what did I like best about all of this: The tangible progression of me. How much more I've evolved into my own skin, discarded my isolationism, developed an entire belief system for being someone really good to share a life with.

I understand my imperfections and even feel close to them, rendering them comfortable quirks I will eradicate with time. Where there's a will, there's a way. And I have a innate will for success within my spectrum of sentiments eclipsed only by my powers of unconditional compassion and love. I behold these as defining parts of my character.

Whoever was in DC today, you will have experienced the glorious sunshine which welcomed us in the morning. I walked around, music in ears, feeling energised, happy, able, confident, and, above all, ready.  The skies are opening. The light is starting to shine through. On me. From me.

Even as I woke up from an afternoon nap, to a cloudy, wet sky, there were big, stunning rainbows greeting me from my window. There is a glow that's starting. A glow I will carry onwards. As I posted on Facebook recently:

"Life doesn't have to be perfect, but it shall be wonderful."

And now, for one last mourning song—one which details my aspirations, though ones I expect will manifest not as mistakes, but life-affirming actuality: Simple together.

From Africa.

Here's the email I sent out to a couple friends half-way through my Africa trip:

What can I say? This is truly yet another experience of a lifetime.

I have canoed on the Orange River, which divides South Africa and Namibia, and seen the rare Goliath Heron take flight immediately in front of me.
I have driven stick shift on the wrong side of the road with my friend Hillary GAGGING with laugther.
I have camped under a 500-year-old acacia tree ridden with all manner of songbirds.
I have slept in a hammock under a canopy of stars (all completely visible since there is minimal light reflection out in the desert). You haven't stargazed until you've done so from a desert.
I have endured crazy, windy sandstorms blowing straight through our campsite, depositing POUNDS of sand everywhere.
I have bonded with my very fun group of Aussies, Kiwis, and Brits. To the point of ALL 10 of us SKYDIVING above the Namib desert...absolutely stunning and incredible experience.
I have swum in the frigid-but-turquoise beaches of beautifully set Cape Town.
I have climbed Dune 45 in Sossusvlei at 5 in the morning to watch the sun rise over the red sands.
I have been airborne whilst quad-biking on the vast expanse of dunes near Swakopmund.
I have wandered just about every kind of desert available, and recognising how precious water resources are in this world.
I have woken up next to jackals, baboons, and oryx, ravaging through our trash for food.
I have sat atop our truck with a cold beer in hand, while watching the sun set over Fish River Canyon, 3rd largest in the world.
I have learned that oysters are best eaten with a dash of salt and pepper, a squeeze of lemon, 3 drops of tabasco, and a splash of tequila before pouring it down ones throat.
I have danced the night away at discos playing nothing but Africa dance music to very enthusiastic crowds.

And the best part? This is only half-way over! In an hour we head off to go bush camping in a very spiritual place...Spitzkoppe. After that we head to the various game parks and reserves and experience true wildlife (I am EXCITED about gazing at majestic elephant herds!). Then Bots and Zim (the overlander terms for Botswana and Zimbabwe).

Before we reach Bots, though, we will camp near a school/orphanage, where we will interact with the local children properly, and provide them with a little love and happiness, perhaps a soccer game (I will let them win, of course!). I'm very much looking forward to that.

I feel very connected to this continent right now. And to myself. And life in general. Imagine listening to U2's Joshua Tree while hanging out the window of a large truck, feeling absolutely content, fulfilled, and appreciative of all things that have happened thus far in life...that's me right now. If only I could share this with all the ones I love, like, and honour. Hopefully one day I will get to. For now, however, this is mine, and I will enjoy it for what it is and what it is doing to my spirit.

To all those having bad weeks: hang in there. They won't last. There are too many no-named streets waiting to be explored, experienced, absorbed, to focus on the little things.

To all those having great weeks: I am with you in spirit, and hope to join you in person very soon.

Internet is a rarity in these parts, so next you hear from me is probably when I get back. I'm also sending this to random peeps, so feel free to forward to anyone at all interested.

Hope everyone is happy and getting all their Christmas shopping done (there are trees here, decorated, in the desert...a bit weird, a lot curious). Oh, and to all photographers amongst you...my camera is completely busted...somehow some of the buttons got f'ed on the trip over, allowing me all but one setting to take pictures...I'm making do, and there's some good stuff, but it's kinda nice not to care so much about capturing everything quite so professionally. I can't see how many pics I have left, which is a little annoying, but liberating.

Ok. Off I go.

Much love and amarula,
S.

All work and no play makes Stef a dull boy.

Phew. So much to do. So little time. But I'm not complaining, just taking a breather. Multiple projects due all at once...at work, then freelance, and again at work. I've somehow become Art Director for yet another NG-related magazine, with duties kicking in pronto. I love that this is happening, as my creative juices are about to be steamed-boiled on high. I'm doing this on top of my old job, so I foresee an interesting shift in my available time for play (which I think I misuse anyway, at points, so I'd rather be productive). For now, though, I have immediate deadlines and pre-travel prepping steering the direction of my whirlpool. The usual mix of World Heritage and far-off lands documentation. Ok. Back in the water I go. Hopefully I will keep my head above it (oh, and I had full-on CPR/AED training yesterday, so I'm now well-versed on lifesaving, should that be needed...).

We're all in the dance.

Quel est donc
Ce lien entre nous
Cette chose indéfinissable
Où vont ces destins qui se nouent
Pour nous rendre inséparables

Life’s a dance
We all have to do
What does the music require
People all moving together
Close as the flames in a fire
Feel the beat
Music and rhyme
While there is time

We all go round and round
Partners are lost and found
Looking for one more chance
All i know is
We’re all in the dance

Quel est donc
Ce qui nous sépare
Qui par hasard nous réunit
Pourquoi tant d’allers, de départs
Dans cette ronde infinie
On avance
Au fil du temps
Au gré du vent
Ainsi

On vit au jour le jour
Nos envies, nos amours
On s’en va sans savoir
On est toujours
Dans la même histoire

We all go round and round
Partners are lost and found
Looking for one more chance
All i know is
We’re all in the dance

Dans la même histoire
La même histoire

(Par Feist, dans la B.O. du film Paris Je T'aime)

Life in mono. Life in sideways.

Mono because I ruptured my ear drum at the beach this past weekend, and have plugged it up with antibiotics so that only my right ear serves me well. Sideways because I spend a lot of time with my head tilted to the right, allowing the antibiotic fluids to swish around my ear canal. Reading emails is significantly annoying in this position. And having to read lips during meetings is forcing me to concentrate more on form than substance. But I'm not experiencing unbearable pain, at least.
I've been to the doctors a lot lately, it seems, which I'm not so keen on otherwise. Actually, I like seeing doctors, I just hate their offices. But I'm very happy to be healing in all sorts of ways. Started getting my shots for Africa...just the Hep A booster for now, and then Malaria pills shortly before I take off. Have to check on my Typhoid shot, but otherwise I've pretty much had all the other diseases inserted into me in low doses (strange to think that that is what a vaccine really is) over the last 2 years. Next on my list: Zimbabwean and Zambian visas.
What else...nada, pues. Oh, my WorldWise column made it to the NG homepage today (#5 in the digital lead rotation), which is pretty awesome. 20 million people hit that page a month, so I wonder how many are taking my quiz.

Next week, heading up to NYC for work. Can't wait to stop by the Bodum store...

If equal affection cannot be.

The More Loving One      
by W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

Chemistry.

You are a DIRECTOR/explorer

You are courageous; and you seek challenges. You are a tough-minded, independent and daring thinker who likes to explore ideas or problems thoroughly. You focus easily. And you are persistent, systematic and competent in pursuing your interests and goals.

You are also assertive; and you enjoy the opportunities your hard work wins.

You have a lot of energy. You think quickly, make decisions more easily than most, dislike unnecessary rules, and take a rational approach to people, issues and ideas.

You don't often enjoy "small talk." You are generally not interested in pleasing boring people and you gravitate to men and women who are intellectually exciting and get to their point quickly during conversations.

You are not conventional in most of your attitudes and values. You tend to be irreverent and pragmatic and you like spontaneous people. You can be an exciting, yet hard driving and exacting, friend and companion.

E -Explorer - 26%
N -Negotiator - 24%
B -Builder - 20%
D -Director - 28%

The Freedom to Fall...

I was looking up whether or not it was today or yesterday, the full moon. And I came across this piece, from an astrologer. Here's her site. Here are her resonating words: 

The Freedom to Fall

So you want a soulmate do you?  Okay not necessarily something that big and cosmic     but ‘happily ever after’ would suffice just fine.  Maybe you have somewhat of an     idea the type of person you are looking for and you want to place your order with     the cosmos – ‘one true love meant for only me, please and thank you.’  Let me ask     you this – are you ready?  Are you worthy?  Do you have the freedom to fall madly     head over heals in love?  Have you made a space for that one true love to fit so     beautifully nested into your life?  Don’t be foolish and assume that all things will     just naturally fall into place once they show up.  Come on now, you know better than     that.  Life doesn’t play like that.

The rules of manifesting dictates that you have to make room for that which you are     wanting to attract into your life.  You know that two things cannot occupy the same     space.  When we want new clothes, we have to first clear out the old ones from our     closets as part of letting the universe know that we are making ready a space for     that new wardrobe.  Nature abhors a vacuum; something will come to fill that space.      The closet never stays empty for very long does it? 

So have you made a space for your beloved?  Are you single and free?  Free to fall     does not just mean that you are technically not dating or married.  You can be married     to your job, your hobbies, your workout routine, your children, your pets, your church,     your parents, or the memories of someone you are no longer intimate with.  You can     have these things in your life and walk within balance knowing that they are not     the one true love that feeds that place in your soul that only a romantic partner     can fill.  However, when you replace the love of ‘happily ever after’ with your career     or with parenting, then you have given your beloved’s special place away to another.      You are married in essence to that which has taken the place of a strong romantic     bond.

Are you married or involved with someone else while calling your soulmate to you?      Perhaps you want your new love to rescue you from your current situation.  Perhaps     you feel too vulnerable and afraid to be single until the right one comes along.      Perhaps you are simply selfish and do not want to do without someone in your life.      Whatever the reason, you want to create a new love before leaving the failed relationship.    

It’s no good.  You are telling the universe that you do not trust it to provide you     with real love.  You are also telling the universe that you are not strong enough     to hold up your end of a relationship.  If you cannot show integrity towards the     one you are ending with, then how are you supposed to be honest with the new one?      If you are not strong enough to be single and walk alone until the right one comes     along, then you do not deserve your soulmate’s presence.  Soulmates are not magical     healers and fixers of life.  They are your twin soul.  They are you in a second body.      If you are not strong enough to wait for that one, then you cannot have that one.

“Okay,” you say, “then just give me a really nice person that I can happily spend     the rest of my life with.  You are right, I’m not all that strong and I’m not really     able to be alone for any length of time.  So, just give me a very nice person that’s     not quite a soulmate.”  Relationships created in desperation, need, and greed very     rarely work out.  What you have just told the world is that you are desperate and     anyone will do.  And that is what you will get, anyone – not the one.  You must be     romantically unattached when you begin your search for love.  It’s karma, it’s trust,     it’s morals, it’s only fair.

And what of your overall worthiness – are you worthy?  This is not a beat yourself     up question.  Imagine that special person is alive and real flesh and blood person     out in the world searching this very moment for ‘happily ever after’ just like you     are.  Are you the kind of person that you would spend time searching for?  If the     person meant for you was indeed your perfect match, what would they look like?  How     would they behave?  How would they feel and respond?  Look into the mirror my friend     – are you what you are looking for?  Until the person you see in the mirror is worthy     of your love and attention, then you will not recognize your twin soul.  For they     share your essence.  Become the type of person that you would want to find and in     so doing you will become the kind of person that your rightful partner wishes     to find.  Now you will be able to recognize each other and accept each other.  Trust     me, there is nothing worse than finding your soulmate when you are both screwed up     and dysfunctional – intense and ugly, rather than intense and beautiful.

If you want to call a magical cosmic kind of love into your life, then you must look     at what your life is right now.  Is it inviting and warm?  Would it nurture or challenge     true love’s growth?  Are you ready, really ready?  Is the space in your heart, in     your life, in your bed where only one’s most treasured beloved belongs cleared out     and available for them to lay their weary head once they do find you?  My father     used to tell me that he had pockets sewn all over his heart and each of us had a     special pocket in which nobody else could fill.  Is the ‘happily ever after’ pocket     of your heart big enough and ready?  Is there space for real love in your life?  Are     you free to fall?

This reminds me of a mini-poster that Mary Beth gave me recently, to hang in my apartment. I placed it right next to my bed, close to my pillow. On it a somewhat related quotation by Dan Zadra:

Have faith. Things fall apart so that things can fall together.

And so, with Fall approaching, I happily wonder how things are falling together in my life. And happily wonder if I, too, am free to fall.

Things can only get better.

I had originally envisaged a missive recounting a slightly raucous night this past weekend, but the more I pondered this, the less apparent my interest in divulging minor anecdotes which have no longterm repercussions in my life. Instead, I've been heavily invested in analysing the quality of my existence, and restoring my general predisposition towards optimism and self-enhancement to former glories.
Suddenly I'm calmer. Work is calmer. Working out is calmer. Outraged attitudes are calmer. What once baffled me into mindfuck now diminishes into petty considerations. And so, with resistance towards dabbling in mediocrity ever present, I now concern myself not with stars, solar systems, galaxies. I now concern myself with the universe. Enough of seeing things at the cellular level. Enough of hyperfocusing on that which is of no consequence at all in space and time. Enough of carrying frayed beliefs and half-mast flags. I should like to be moved by importance and monumentals from now on. I should like to be careened through fruitfulness. I should like to disband from my memory all that which is a waste of my time. A waste of my space. And a waste of my energy. I've a powerful noodle, surely capable of higher faculties. Karen Blixen had it right in saying the following:
"I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."
Well. It is clear that with this mindset, with unimportant factors cast away from the mind, things will improve. Things can only get better. Universally.

Let it Feist.

If one is to believe all the new-agey/The Alchemist/The Secret modus operandus, it seems that the universe conspires with you, or it conspires against you. As far as I've experienced over the last two weeks, against is definitely the norm with pockets of "with" here and there. I get this impression from everyone around me as well. 
So, on Tuesday night I saw Feist with Michelle and Mary Beth (my soul buddies). Poor Feist. Earlier on Tuesday her guitar—the one she had played with during all of her concerts over the last seven years—broke its neck. She seemed so sad. But then the concert itself seemed to pose so many problems...sound was off (you could barely hear her some times), her replacement guitar seemed to go out of tune after each song, the lights people kept shining a freaking spotlight in her face blinding her throughout (she had to ask the audience for a hat!). But, despite all these set-backs, her voice was absolutely incredible. She still managed to sound cheery and playful, and made jokes about how awful the concert seemed to her. I was a little in awe of her...the music, of course, just sounds so good live. My favourite songs were The Park, and Let It Die. Now, the whole thing was recorded on video for eventual release on DVD or, perhaps, on TV. I certainly hope she releases it now, though she did ask the audience to drop off their change on the way out so she could buy the rights back and make sure it's never released. Well, even still, I think it should be released. Because hers was a perfect example of grace under fire. Of rolling with the punches the universe threw at her that night.
I can't say I haven't any reason to empathise with her. At the end of the day, you weigh your pros and cons, though, and it is important to feel grateful for the things in your life that are going well. Especially when quite a few things are in place...
Happiness is purely a matter of perspective. And while challenges shake things up, they also help to re-emphasise the luckier parts of life. So, I guess I feel lucky. Punk.

(Speaking of lucky: Hillary's in Cape Town today, her birthday...I hope I get to see her soon.)

Up the hill, perhaps over it.

The first part of this past week has been interesting in that any little thing I did to improve upon my life was an uphill battle. My friend Michelle told me there are two things that frustrate her: First, is when you have grand expectations for something and it doesn't happen. Second (which is the one I feel applies right now), is when you put a lot of effort into something and it blows up in your face somehow. Here's what happened:
Monday night (9:30) I suddenly decided to go for an intense run. I spent an hour running up and down Logan, Dupont, Adams Morgan...a very good run. And, as I was about to start heading home, it hit me: I no longer had my house keys. Argh. I retraced my steps, but with no luck. Essentially, I was a sweaty mess in a sleeveless shirt, running shorts, & jock strap. Earlier that day I had been at MB's house, and for some reason clearly took notice of her apartment number (which I otherwise wouldn't have known off hand). So I woke her up, borrowed her cell phone to call my building, and after another hour or so of wrangling with the doorman, the superintendent for my building, and the millions of keys they have on store (none of which would open my door, at first), I successfully got back into my apartment. It was almost midnight. And, instead of going straight to bed, I put on some regular clothes and went and did my entire circuit one last time, as the replacement fee for my keys is pretty steep. No luck. I finally got back home and went to bed around 3am. I sort of wish I had stayed put that night...
Tuesday, however, at around the same time (9:30), I decided I wanted to cook up some food for the rest of the week, to be cost-conscious. Again, I went to bed a little later than usual, as I finished preparing my dish. In turn, Wednesday morning I woke up late, and I was a headless chicken trying to get ready for work. As I was about to run out the door, I realised I'd almost forgotten "the food!" So I went back into the kitchen, put it all in tupperware, grabbed the keys from my table, and ran out the door. As I was heading to the elevator, I saw that I didn't have my badge, and turned right back around. When I reached into my pocket and pulled out the keys...another terrifying surprise: they were my parents' house keys I had grabbed instead of my home keys. LOCKED OUT AGAIN! Twice in two days! I couldn't believe my luck. Well...I ran to work, called the super from there, and after work he let me into my apartment again...how embarrassed I was.
Thursday came around...which was my birthday, and things seemed to finally be falling into place (now that I think of it, the last few weeks have all be clumsily unlucky for me). The big thing was that Michelle had surgery that day, and I tried to channel all the well-wishes from those around me into her well being. It worked! She was out of the hospital merely hours after the surgery, and that was my best birthday present ever. I went and saw her after work, and life aligned itself in my favour again. I wonder if that happens when soulmates engage (because I've established she is one of mine).
My birthday itself was relatively calm and quiet otherwise. Went out with friends to celebrate. Got home at a decent time and went to bed happy. I'm now 29...for most, a foreboding number (over-the-hill syndrome). I, personally, can't wait to get to my thirties (and, actually, my boss pointed out that this is technically already my third decade. Yay!). I've lofty expectations for things to come, and I feel it'll be in my thirties that my life will start to fall into place. Very exciting prospects (so much so that I refuse to consider the possibility of what Michelle termed her first frustration, of ruined great expectations).
Yesterday, then, was my mom's birthday...I called her again (we spoke on Thursday) and chatted for a long time. Then my brother called while I was visiting Michelle, informing me that they found out the sex of their upcoming progeny: It's a boy! I'll have a little nephew! I will excel as an uncle, I've decided. After dinner with Michelle (at Thaiphoon, of all places), I went to see Néstor @ his new apartment in Columbia Heights. So good to see him after quite a long time. We chatted for several hours, and I'm excited that he's now in DC. I'm happy to expand my horizons again (the 3 block radius I inhabit between work and home could do with some extension).
So, things seem brighter. Autumn will reach us in not too long, and I think it will be a very good one for me. Even if I have to run uphill every once in a while, I feel that my expectations are perfectly reasonable and capable of being met.

London.

You turned my smile
upside down
and I let you leave
without fixing my frown
and boy do I hurt now
when you're East and
I'm South
But how could we speak
with our feet in our mouths?

And I cry disaster
I cry disaster
I don't quite grasp
this failure of mine.
And I cry disaster
Disaster I cry
Oh London
take care of my
angel this time.

You turned my heart
upside down
and I let it sink
without breaking the fall
and boy do I hurt now
as I clench at my chest
where all that I wanted
was love at its best.

You turned my brain
upside down
and I let my wits
abandon the grounds
and boy do I hurt now
as the winds sweep the sands
right into my eyes
and you from my hands.

And I cry disaster
I cry disaster
I don't quite grasp
this failure of mine.
And I cry disaster
Disaster I cry
Oh London
take care of my
angel this time.

You turned my smile
upside down
and I let you leave
without fixing our frowns
and boy do I hurt now
as I stare at the void
where oceans have
brought us to
non-speaking grounds.

And I cry disaster
I cry disaster
Oh London
take care of my
angel this time.
And I cry disaster
Disaster I cry
if anything happened
I surely would die.

Voices.

Haven't done much by way of blogging lately. But now I have about a 2-second break from all that which swirls around me, so I thought I'd write something...let's see what's up:

• I am to be an uncle in February. I will kick ass as one—that much is certain.
• My friend Sasha from the DR is coming up to NY, and hopefully will have a couple days to see me. Oh, what fun!
• My cell phone is broken, kaput, distruto. It works sporadically, and only on speakerphone (it worked with an ear-piece for a day, but that somehow imploded). If I bang it hard enough, it lets me know if someone called. So, basically, if you left me a message and I haven't responded, send me an email. I'll get a new phone soon, I promise.
• I'm working on freelance this week. If I don't respond to your email, I'll get to it next week.
• For dinner I had avocado halves garnished with fresh-water shrimp salad (whole foods), sprinkled with grated parm, lemon juice, lemon&herb feta crumbles, chives, and small slices of salmon. Dash of salt. Sprinkle of pepper. So damn good.
• Tomorrow will be a very happy day, as love comes back to town!
• And finally: Yesterday, for no apparent reason, I listened to the song Voices by Dario G. A relaxing affair, which I like:

We sailed over seven seas
Searching for that missing key
Unlock a new
World harmony

Climb the highest mountain range
Then we took the longest train
Looking for our
Perfect refrain

I hear voices in the sky
(In the sky)
In the sky
(In the sky)

Hidden rhythms in the rivers run
Blinding beats in the desert sun
Hear them today
Play all as one

Distant voices in a far off sky
Led us to the elusive prize
To the new sound
We testify

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Yey-E-Yeh
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Yeh
(Etc)

(Chant)

There’s hidden rhythms in the sun
In the sun
I hear voices in the sky
In the sky

You down with AAD? Yeah, you know me.

It's official! I've been promoted to Assistant Art Director for my magazine. I think, in light of this grand occasion, there is only one word that aptly describes the sentiment to be conveyed: YEEEEEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Ahem. Well, on a more sober, professional level, today also marks the debut of my online column called WorldWise. Check your geography IQ right here:

Worldwise, by Stefan Caiafa.

Yes, the questions are difficult. But if they were all easy they'd be no fun to write.

Ok, off to celebrate my newly-ascribed title. Yeah, you know me.

The butterfly catalyst.

I'm a butterfly catalyst. I meet very special caterpillars in various stages of development. But something in me triggers change in them. Something in me helps them crawl up a branch and build a cocoon around themselves. And I help them with that. I nurture and protect while metamorphosis takes place. And I wait.

Then one day, the brown mass opens up and something colourful and beautiful comes out. And I'm awed. Such incredible transformation. But then the wings start flapping, the blood starts circulating within them, and they fly away.

I wish for a butterfly that won't fly away. I guess for that I need to one day become one myself.

One of my favourite proverbs follows:
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Facing daemons.

The intensity of disappointment. The intensity of neglect. The intensity of fear. The intensity of loneliness. The intensity of abandonment.

How does one face all these deamons when the intensities for each can often be overwhelming, not to mention the absolutely terrifying torrent that they bring when manifesting in unison? And how does one look back at one's life in the above terms and conjure up any other emotion than sadness?

Perhaps it's the torrent of rain outside surfacing weird moods and powerful things. Perhaps it's today's rollercoaster ride at work. Hate, happiness, love, sadness. Too many things to deal with over too short a period of time. In my moment of utter frustration I bunkered up in my office and worked, worked, worked to prove to myself and others that I'm a worthwhile investment.

But I do that. I become oddly productive when things seem to be falling apart. I remember once, years ago, when I had my hopes dashed of being with someone I liked a lot, and the heart trampled on by a supposed best friend. My reaction was to cut all contact with both involved, ignore my pains, and immerse my self in schoolwork. At the end of that semester I had my best GPA ever.

So what does that mean? That I'm at my best when I'm at my worst? That I require desperation to push myself further? That if I were indeed a happy being, that I'd necessarily be stagnant and under-evolved? That the daemons I've faced are also the very things that have propelled me into making something out of my life?

At what point do I reach the cut-off? At what point do I achieve total happiness and still manage to continue evolving? At what point will these daemons stop catapulting me into improvement and start producing solely negative effects? I ask this because I cannot possibly assume that such shock-therapy, as I seem to be constantly put through, produces only good things in my life.

Well. I'm not sure what responses I'd want from these questions. I don't understand my psyche enough to implement strategies for change in regards to these matters. I just hate being disappointed because I always aim for the opposite with others—I aim to please. I hate being neglected because I give undivided attention when asked for it. I wish I had less fear in my heart. I wish that my life hadn't been so vacuous in the love department. I wish I hadn't ever felt abandoned, or felt that I was abandoning someone each and every time they and I moved on.

And it confuses me that these are all the daemons that have triggered evolution in me. I am what I am, and they are the reason. So, is facing them a blessing or a curse? And will I ever get rid of them? Do I have to? J'sais pas.

You say Pride. I say Lasagna.

Yesterday was interesting, if a wee too long for my disposition. I had an early start, around 8am, when I started scrubbing my apartment clean. At 11ish, a quick trip with Amelia to the new Logan Farmer's Market, followed by a brief "Pride-burgers-and-cake" meal bought in front of Whole Foods and consumed across the street atop Emily's rooftop terrace.
Then the fun began: I made a bucket of mimosa for myself & two guests (Patten & Amelia), and we sat up on my rooftop variously pool-bathing, variously drink-imbibing sprawled on the chaises. A good couple hours of sun-soaking ensued.
We all kissed goodbye as I quickly showered and headed to the first of many Pride parties, all attended at the heels of Nestor and Ibon. The theme at these parties (other than Pride) was "Cram a million people into confined spaces with limited air-conditioning." HOT. HOT. HOT. The mirrors were fogging!
Then, a minutes-long appearance at a second party before returning to the first one, which had a better vantage point to view the Pride Parade. Bumped into my delicious friends Mary Beth (and her Said) and Krista, who joined us on the R Street curb to plead (and beg) for beads, t-shirts, fliers, condoms&lubepackets, and other Mardi Gras worthy memorabilia. I'm not sure what I did with all those things, but all I ended up with was a t-shirt ("Get Jacked" from Jack's restaurant), a tiny bouncing ball with a smiley face, and a blow up Southwest airplane. Random.
I believe we attended 2 (or three?) more parties before heading to the Beacon Hotel's Skybar (yes, on the rooftop) for a birthday party. Another few hours there.
From there we jumped into a cab and headed to the 9:30 Club for this month's Blow Out. I was told the crowd wasn't usual, as there were many other festivities going on in town, and the younger, hipper set were likely elsewhere. To that end, we were surrounded by a shirtless, flatulent, geriatric contingent, whose sweat rubbed off on others as they squeezed through our cringing, if horrified, group. Perhaps a bit harsh on my part, but I'm just thinking of a number of circumstances which would have made the environment more comfortable. Granted I was exhausted, sunburnt, heat-stricken, had been drinking throughout the day, and felt inappropriately overdressed (minus the sandals...I wish I'd had sneakers on), all contributing to a listless and somnolent ambling about the dance floor. But, for example, let' examine the music. What is it about certain DJ music that just doesn't work for me? Maybe I'm a melody snob, but I really prefer to dance to good music, when given the choice. And what I heard last night was...bland. Not as happy and uplifting as it should have been, considering the affirmative message of Pride. Maybe I'm more mainstream when it comes to shaking my hips.
Anyway, the younger crowd eventually turned up (just as the elderly present started leaving, perhaps returning to their nursing homes before curfew. Ooh, that was bad.) and we stayed until 3am. Bed, finally, at 4am.
Now it's Sunday, and the celebrations continue. But I woke up at 12, with little enthusiasm for heading into the crowds outside. So instead I did some more cleaning, whipped up a whole lasagna, ate some, and I think now I feel energised to pop over to the festival area on Pennsylvania. We'll see what I manage to retain from their giveaways. And as the week's events come to a close, I bid Happy Pride to everyone.

The mood swingeth upwards.

Peaceless days and sleepless nights and then a trip to Virginia to help put things in perspective. I spoke to my dad. I spoke to my brother. I spoke to my dad again. I made them both understand where each other was coming from. And I hope to have created a road map to solution.

No matter how messy the situation, a little realisation that most wrongs are committed out of fear can bring one leaps and bounds beyond the confusion. Et voilà, I think I've enabled calm to start settling in.

And what tools did I use? Honesty and communication. How important these are...

Yesterday I slept in fear. Today I will sleep with the certainty that things are shitty right now, for my family, but that upwards is the only way to go. And everything will soon be ok. I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure my happiness is contagious.